Friday, 3 April 2015

Not the Marrying Kind


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There must be something in the genetic makeup of women that makes a woman think she can change a man and make him into a wonderful husband.
If a man says he's not the marrying kind, believe him. You may get him to change his mind about marrying you but chances are you won't be happy with what you get.
You may get someone who is emotionally unavailable even if he is physically present. You may get someone who is so resentful of being trapped in a marriage he didn't want that he may feel justified for cheating on you. You may get a man who is more devoted to his family and friends than he is to you and who leaves you alone whenever one of them calls him for a night out.
The most sensible approach would be for a woman to marry a man she doesn't want to change, who is absolutely fine with the way he is, but most women seem to have been born with a "fixit" gene. Every man she meets would be perfect if only he would just change this or "fix" that about himself.
Men frequently try to change a woman after they get married but women seem to target the changes they want to make before they get married.
I once heard a woman say that she thought this man was very intelligent, kind, charming, interesting, and an all around nice guy and if he lost about thirty pounds she could really be interested in him.
My first thought, preceded and followed by a lot of other first thoughts, was what if you were already married and he gained thirty pounds in his first year of marriage to you. Would you divorce him and look for someone new who was thirty pounds lighter?
I can understand there being no chemistry between two people; the necessary spark that is needed to get them from their first hello to getting into bed. What I can't understand is being interested in someone "if only" such and such were fixed or changed.
Men seem to go through a reverse process. They can fall head over heels in love with a woman and then try to mold her into a woman he can love or a woman who will fit into his lifestyle. When those changes are forced on her, resentment is sure to follow.
But the hardest thing to wrestle with is the feeling of not being good enough or Mr. Wonderful wouldn't be telling you that he's not the marrying kind. Don't try to fix him or change him; it's simply not worth it. You will always be left feeling (or hearing him tell you) that you trapped him into marriage.
There are three stages of this mating game. The first stage consists of the bloom of falling in love, that glorious feeling as if you are walking on air and all is well in the world. This would be the time where both genders have blinders on their eyes and they don't want to see the red flags that are waving frantically in their faces. They don't even think about changing one another.
From there it moves into the second stage, the one that gives you that sense of comfort you derive from being in love, but not quite being head over heels in love. And then, if you're very lucky, it moves into the permanent stage of loving, of knowing you are loved as much as you love.
Of course, the ideal situation is for a couple to experience all three stages. Unfortunately, too many people only experience the first stage and part of the second stage. After that, their minor flaws become glaring imperfections and if they stay in the relationship, they only make each other miserable. Still, some of the people who never make it past the middle of the second stage of the mating game do get married and, predictably, make each other miserable.
Sometimes it seems as if the mating game is a game of musical chairs where the men and women keep changing partners in their quest for the fairy tale ending. And only sometimes does a person choose the right chair and the right partner.
Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver. She is known throughout the world for helping clients find workable solutions to complex problems.
Connie has hosted her own weekly radio show, been a weekly guest on a morning radio show, done guest spots on radio shows around the country, and appeared as a guest on a cable television show. Connie wrote a weekly newspaper Advice Column for sixteen years and has been invited to speak at local colleges and given lectures around the country. She also wrote the scripts for a weekly financial show on cable television.
Connie is the author of the book, "Whispers of the Soul," an eBook, "The Counseling Effect," and is the co-author of an eBook, "Getting Rich While the World Falls Apart" which is.being offered as a free download on her website. She has also written and produced two CDs on Meditation and Relationships and has done coaching on customer service and employee relationships. Her website is http://www.conniehdeutsch.com. See more of her articles by clicking here ConnieHDeutsch Articles